Monday, April 20, 2015

Searching

This is an artwork by Elfan Diary.

Our Homilist reflected on the word "Searching." And I quote his words, "Bago mo pa hanapin ang Diyos, Una ka na Niyang natagpuan" (Even before you searched for God, He already found you). I remembered the two "foreign" words that I learned during our Theology class.  The Anabasis and Katabasis.   Our ascendeng to the Father and the descending of the Father.  The glorification of God and the sanctification of man.

Coincidentally, the description of this blog is also about searching.  I have been searching... or so I think.  Two years ago, I have this list of my plans in life.  And I always attained my objectives according to my plan.  Again, always my plan.  I realized God has been so gracious to me that He fulfilled my "career and study" wishes.  Wishes that I truly desired.  I thanked God earnestly for all of those though for me it was a drag to attend mass every Sunday.  That was until two years ago.

Two years ago, I attended my first ever Singles Conference.  It was my first even though I was already an official member several years back.  This was my first spiritually - related activity for the year 2013.  I remembered that I have revelation that it is not only in joining Religious Congregations and Church Organizations that I can see God.  I can also see God in my daily life as a worker (I was still employed that time) and a graduate student.  I can see the Lord and share it with others through my research (My current thesis is quite related to this but I am reserving it for another post).

That year was also the first time that I attended a silent retreat.  And I was drawn to it that I longed for its longer version.  Not long after this was also my first eight-day Ignatian Retreat.  I was really blessed that I was able to experienced it.  It was quite costly but it benefited my inner self.

I was also fortunate to be able to stay in a Monastery for the first time.  I feel that my encounter with the Religious people indeed helped me spiritually to pray and to focus more on Jesus rather than any other things

This was also the time when I started attending Daily Mass voluntarily on my own (I went to a Religious Catholic school and there was an "obligatory" Daily Mass).

Truly, a lot of firsts happened in 2013.  But the doubts keep on coming.  I have a lot of questions and one of it is "Why is it that when I was looking for God less, that was when I received more blessings?"  I followed-up it with my own interrogative answer, "Is it because God new I can handle what is happening to me right now and I am strong enough to not cease in my faith"?  Is it correct to feel that I think God is expecting too much???!!!

I feel that I knew what to ask from God back when I still had less time to pray.  My prayers were very specific.  There was gratitude but more of prayer requests.  But now, that I have plenty of time to pray, and I mean I do not need to hurry up to finish my prayers,  I do not know what to ask from God.  Most of the time I just sat still and kept quiet. I talked to God about my complains, questions about life in general without any answers (of course those "friendly" conversations are considered prayers), but what I was longing for is that deep and heartily prayer of really wanting something "earthly."

I find my life really comedic because when I thought that I want to go on the path to follow Christ, it seems like my direction has become more blurry.  I have no regrets of leaving my decent job two years ago.  I stepped out of my comfort zone.  I chose a life that was not taken by most of my colleagues.  It is just that things no longer made sense anymore.  I even attended a Theological School hoping to be enlightened.  But it got worse and more complicated.  Will I go back to that Theological School? I do not know the answer, yet.

Searching... What am I really searching for?  What is my greatest desire?  My reflection for this is to pray for the grace to desire what God wants me to desire especially in my current state:  I am deeply confused.

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