Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Too many to focus

It is natural that we drink something whenever we are thirsty.  I prefer water.  And even though I am not thirsty, I consume lots of fluid especially when I am sick.  Indeed, my physical thirst was quenched after drinking water.  But how about my spiritual thirst?  It can only be satisfied by the living water.  The water from Jesus.  We must search for it.  I am searching for it.  Here is a quote from the book "Centered Living" by M. Basil Pennington, O.C.S.O., "You are like a man who wants to find the living water. He digs three feet here ,and three feet there, and three feet in another place, and so on. He never comes to the living water. You must stay in one place and dig deep. You must be faithful to one practice if you want to reach the living water."

I feel that these are familiar to me.  I am looking for something.  Something I do not really know in particular.  I took a hard science course but I felt empty.  I took a soft science course which I did found something.  I took another soft science course to deepen my understanding of that something.  But then I got more confused. I do enjoy the courses and I am loving it there.  However, there is this strong emotion that keeps bugging me.  It is really annoying.  I want to justify that I am taking different courses because it is a trend to be multi-inter disciplinary.  It sounds like a more formal term of "jack-of-all trades"... But a master of none.

I do not really intend to be called "Master."  But in reference to the quote above, I must be a master.  Can I not just be a master of interrelating things?  I do not want to use force to combine those I have learned and wanted to learn. I do not want to explain myself why I want to be so versatile.  But again, it is my strong feeling of losing  grasp.  The more I go forward to learn more, the more path I need to choose.  I was looking forward that my continuous learning would lessen the choices in front of me, that I could be more decisive.  It is the other way around.  I do pray to God.  And I feel that I am praying a bit more frequently recently.  Although it is just a mere talking to Jesus Christ and God, I still consider it as praying.  But still... I am "mystified."  Yes, I am happy and I know that I am finding God more in my current state.  It is important to find God in everything.  But in practical life, I also need to sustain myself.

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